


you'll be in an early grave (and you don't know what you've got until it's gone)

by justpalsbeingals



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:01:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26889310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justpalsbeingals/pseuds/justpalsbeingals
Summary: “But why don’t you just go back in time and stop her from leaving the bar?” Lita asks, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.“You can’t go back to events you participated in or time will fold in on itself.”oran angsty follow up to Sara's abduction
Relationships: Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Comments: 12
Kudos: 95





	you'll be in an early grave (and you don't know what you've got until it's gone)

**Author's Note:**

> this is significantly more angsty and less edited than normal, but this wouldn't leave me alone all day, so here we have it kids. Some feelings on this weekday evening
> 
> Title from 5AM by Amber Run

They find her in an empty field of dandelions. The sun is just breaking over the tree line, birds in the forest are chirping morning songs, and Sara is dead.

They find her seventy-three days after she goes missing. Seventy-three days, five hours, and twelve minutes from the moment they walked out of a punk bar in 1977 London and Sara was beamed up into the sky. Two plus months where every second was dedicated to scouring the timeline, then the multiverse, only for it to come up empty. 

Ava doesn’t understand how - how they could spend each and every minute for one thousand seven hundred and fifty-seven hours searching for nothing but Sara - only to find her dumped dismissively in a field of weeds. 

(Finding Sara here feels like some sort of twisted joke. Some time ago, Sara introduced Ava to dandelions and blowing off the seeds in exchange for a wish. There’s only one thing Ava would wish for now, and even an endless expanse of the fantasy fulfilling flowers can’t make it true. )

The thing is, Sara doesn’t die. Or rather, she does, but she doesn’t stay dead. Ava’s seen Sara die more times than she wishes were possible, but she’s never seen her _dead_. Seeing her die versus seeing Sara dead feels inexplicably different. 

Maybe it’s the fact that she looks smaller than Ava’s ever seen her. All taut skin on a skeleton frame that makes Ava’s heart seize in her chest as she considers what happened in the time between Sara’s abduction and her subsequent disposal.

It could be the cool touch to Sara’s skin - nothing but dewiness from being left in an early morning meadow. The warmth Ava is so accustomed to as she traces her palm has been replaced by the numbness of a body without a heart to actively pump blood.

Maybe it’s the lack of light in her eyes. There’s no mischief or tenacity or power. Just cloudy lenses and a blank stare Ava can hardly stand to look at. 

She can hardly bring herself to look away though, not until Nate and Mick manage to pull Ava from sitting vigil so John can lower Sara’s lids. After that, with her eyes closed, Ava can’t stand to think of her at all.

“This isn’t healthy,” Zari says, coming up behind Ava in the early hours of the morning. Ava’s sitting by herself on the pier where she’s been told the Black Canary statue of Laurel used to stand. It’s not one of Sara, but it’s the closest Ava thought she could get without completely breaking down. 

She doesn’t know if Zari is referring to the way that it’s four in the morning and Ava is running on no sleep or that it’s more than frigid out and Ava is wearing a thin cotton tee or the way she’s gripping a flask like it’s a lifeline. She supposes it doesn’t really matter though.

“How’d you find me?” Ava asks instead, not that it’s important. The answer is Gideon or Nate or security footage. 

Zari confirms Gideon’s participation in locating Ava. It’s been three weeks since Zari’s last seen Ava, the latter having abandoned the Waverider the day Sara’s eyes were forever closed. Since then, Ava’s been bouncing from one place to the next, in search of…. something - what exactly, Ava isn’t sure - but something to make this whole thing feel less raw. 

“If you’re here to try and convince me to go back to the ship, it’s not going to happen.”

“I know,” Zari answers, her voice deceivingly perky for the current time. “It’s just, it sucks without you.”

Ava shrugs. Abandonment of her family hardly seemed like the right tactic, but she couldn’t stomach the thought of one second longer within the metal walls of the time ship. Not without Sara. Certainly not with everyone else in mourning as well.

Ava has more than enough of her own grief. If she stayed, she’d be swallowed whole.

With a trembling voice, Ava chokes out a whisper. “I can’t go back. I can’t do this without her.”

Up until this point, Zari’s been hovering a few healthy feet away from Ava. She closes the gap between them and pulls Ava into a hug. Ava bristles at the contact, lets herself hang loose, like getting a hug from someone will open the flood gates if she gives into the comfort. 

“Yes you can. You’re the strongest person I know.”

Ava shakes her head over Zari’s shoulder. She’s not strong. She wasn’t strong enough to save Sara, wasn’t strong enough to find her, wasn’t strong enough to hold up the rest of her team. She’s a shell of the person she once was.

In a way though, she’s not a shell; Ava’s the person she was programmed to be. Cold and numb. 

(Ava wishes she were colder and even more numb. This would be so much easier if she were incapable of emotion. Tactical and analytical. The way she was before Sara came and let her feel a life of whimsy and love.

She should feel thankful for the way Sara opened up her life. Right now it just stings.)

Ava lets out a devastating sound. Something of sorrow and trauma. Something that sounds a lot like _not without her I’m not_. She goes to pull away, and Zari lets Ava, but she maintains a close distance.

Some part of Ava wants to tell Zari to leave. If she shuts Zari out, the entire team out, then Ava won’t be close to anyone. It’s impossible to lose people if you don’t have any. But having someone by her side for the first time in weeks feels better than Ava imagined. 

It’s not Sara’s grounding presence, but it’s someone equally headstrong with divisive morals in her own right. The ache in Ava’s chest continues to squeeze at her heart - nothing, Ava thinks, will ever lessen the sensation - but at least she isn’t entirely alone.

“You have to start taking care of yourself,” Zari starts, gesturing at Ava’s general form. Her hair is in a greasy knot, the bags under her eyes deep and sullen. In short, Ava looks like shit. In her defense, what is the point anymore? “No friend of mine should have hair this filthy.”

“I’m fine, Zari.”

“It’s unhygienic.” 

Ava does something like a snort, but it’s not as if Zari is wrong. In truth, she hasn’t been taking care of herself. She’s been running herself into the ground with a lack of sleep. 

The first time it happened, it was accidental. At the start of it all, when Sara first disappeared, Ava spent two days without so much as a nap. Call it sleep deprivation or sheer exhaustion, but Ava swore she saw Sara in her captain’s chair. 

When Ava gave a second glance, her form was missing. But it was Sara. It was still seeing her in something other than photos and old videos and on that damn footage of her being portaled into the sky. Seeing Sara felt good.

So what if Ava’s been holding out on sleep in hopes she’ll hallucinate the vision of her love again? At least it would be something. It’s not like Ava has anything else to live for.

As if reading her mine, Zari says, “Sara wouldn’t want you to live like this.”

“You don’t get to tell me what she would want. You hardly knew her.” 

It’s uncalled for, and Ava knows it. But she can hardly manage to even think Sara’s name. For it to float so easily from Zari’s mouth feels like a violation.

Zari flinches a little, then stands up straighter. “Maybe not, but I know you.”

Ava mutters a _no, you don’t_ under her breath. She tells herself if she drives Zari away it’ll be better for everyone. No one will need to take care of her, and she won’t have to care for anyone else. 

(Ava isn’t built for that, not anymore. She doesn’t need a life of solitude. Finding a family means it’s now impossible to live without one.)

“You’re not the only one who lost her.” 

Zari leaves Ava with that. Ava keeps her gaze pointedly over the bay, as if somewhere over the horizon another ship will come and Sara will be upon it. 

When she finally goes to leave, Ava notices a toiletry bag on the bench. She opens it to find miniature bottles of the shampoo Sara kept in the Waverider bathroom, a hair masque from Dragonesque, and a ring. 

Ava knows which one it is. It’s the one Sara was wearing when they found her. A silver band, plain and unassuming. Ava slides it over her ring finger, and her throat closes up even more.

If you x-rayed her own heart, she’s certain it would have finally shattered into a million pieces. 

It’s been two months since they found Sara in a dandelion field. 

Ava is on the phone. There’s a fly buzzing close to her ear, the sky is grey, and Sara is dead.

“But why don’t you just go back in time and stop her from leaving the bar?” Lita asks, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“You can’t go back to events you participated in or time will fold in on itself.” 

The phrase Ava repeats sounds rehearsed. It is, honestly. Words from another time from another person, another person who died and broke her heart. Rip’s death was different, but it hurt nonetheless. 

“So?”

“What do you mean, so?”

“So what? Who cares about time when it’s Sara?”

Lita saying her name doesn’t send as big of a pang through Ava’s heart. It’s more of a dull thud. The amount her stomach drops is minimal in comparison to how it used to be.

(Ava hates herself for thinking this hurts less. It feels too much like moving on)

Ava tries to explain why she can’t go back and stop it. History wants to happen and going back would break all of time and protecting the sanctity of the timeline was the whole reason Ava even became a part of Sara’s life. 

The reasons feel pointless. They probably are, Ava admits to herself.

But if she doesn’t have this speech to hold on to, what else is left of Ava?

“Aunt Ava, didn’t the Legends break time like four times? Clearly it can be fixed.”

Ava avoids a real answer. “You’re too much like your dad.”

It’s meant to be an insult, but Lita thanks her. Of course she does. 

Lita is a product of chaos, but Ava is anything but. She’s a product of calculated equations and experimentation and scientific improvement. 

Breaking time doesn’t appeal to Ava like it used to. Not without Sara. 

“You should just think about it.”

“I won’t.”

(Ava does. She thinks about it for so long she swears she can hear Sara’s excited voice influencing the decision. There’s practically someone standing on Ava’s shoulder chattering in her ear.)

She dreams of Sara. Ava dreams of Sara throwing her head back in a laugh. She dreams of her eyes full of life as she tells Ava she loves her. She pictures their fingers dancing together and their lips brushing. She dreams of Sara’s perfume.

When Ava wakes, the absence is always profound. As she goes on with her day, it stings a little less.

Ava fills her days with a ghost of purpose. She gets a job in a bookstore, working as a clerk. It’s not what she was made for. Ava imagines her creator would scoff at how she’s turned out, and it feels a little like rebellion.

It feels a little like what Sara would want from her. 

Every now and then, Ava sees the rest of the Legends. Nate is teaching history at some high school. John and Astra are living at John’s mansion. Zari and Behrad go back and forth between their parents in the future and the people they have in the past. 

In truth, everyone seems like they’re floundering. It’s hard to find purpose in life when your guiding force disappears. 

At night, Ava curls up in a bed far too wide. She ponders Lita’s words more than she cares to admit until they eclipse her mind. The idea of going back in time to stop the events goes against every fiber of Ava’s training. 

Then again, falling in love with Sara in the first place went against her as well. As did moving onto the Waverider, becoming friends with the Legends, opening her heart to worlds of thrill and adventure. 

Admittedly, everything that proved to be worth it was breaking the rules. 

Ava figures she can break the rules one more time. If the whole universe combusts as a result, at least she won’t be around to see it. 

It’s one hundred and eighty-eight days since the day Sara disappeared. It’s one hundred and eighty-eight days and also no days since Sara disappeared. 

Ava stands in the bridge with her hands on her hips and a team around her. It feels like it’s where she’s supposed to be. Pretending to be anywhere else has been nothing short of a lie.

Ray and Nora are there, the only two who weren’t at the bar when The Smell originally performed. Their mission is to come in and make the Legends stay late after the concert by demanding a backstage tour of Charlie, thus avoiding Sara’s abduction.

No one will see their past selves. Time won’t be destroyed. If all goes as planned, the Waverider will go back to present day, and Sara should still be alive.

Ava listens through her comms with all the serenity of a caffeinated chihuahua. Her hand taps against her thigh as a show of her anxiety. 

She’s wired. The thought of having Sara back is filling her with an unmatched energy. Ava hasn’t so much as fantasized about having Sara back for fear of getting her hopes up. Now though, now with a plan in action that might just actually work, electricity is flowing through her. 

In her ear, she hears Nora and Ray come across Nate. There’s a pounding bass in the background; Ava isn’t sure if the music or her own pulse. They tell their excuse to the past version of the team.

Ava catches the distant sound of her own slurred voice. Anger flares inside herself for ever getting into that state. For not being enough to save Sara. 

(She reminds herself she’s saving Sara now. It’ll never feel like enough, but if she succeeds, it’ll have to be.)

It’s close to the time past-them plans to leave when they decide to head back to the green room as a team, rather than return to the ship. Ava holds her breath the entire time. No beam of light comes down in the parking lot. It seems like they may have avoided the worst of it.

She listens as Nora and Ray make an excuse to not return to the past Waverider, squeezes her fingernails into her palms as she watches the footage of the Legends, in their various stages of inebriation, bid Charlie ado. Past Ava clings onto Sara’s arm, and Ava does an internal fist pump because the past has already changed. 

From the front shield, they see the Waverider take off into the sky, and everyone lets out a cheer. It feels too good to be true as Nora and Ray return to the ship. 

There’s no way this is reality. 

“We won’t know until we go back to our time. Time is malleable until it’s set.” Ava hates how much she sounds like Rip, once again. Another person who changed her life with time travel. What a blessing. What a curse. 

They return to current day. Gideon cloaks the ship on the roof of a building in Star City, and they wait to see how the future has changed. Luckily, they don’t have to wait long before Ava’s heart stalls in her chest.

“Didn’t we have an agreement you guys wouldn’t go anywhere until I came back from dinner with my dad? I mean seriously. I can’t believe they roped you into this, babe.”

Ava all but sprints into Sara’s arms, nearly toppling her over in the process. She clings on without abandon, digs her hands into Sara’s back and her head into Sara’s neck where Ava peppers kisses. 

Sara laughs out something confused, but gives in, hugging Ava back with equal zest. “Should I even ask?”

When Ava pulls back, there are tears rolling down her face. The rest of the team is in a similar state behind her. Even Mick’s eyes look wet. 

“I was only gone for a few hours. What did I miss?”

Ava pulls Sara back in for a hug, this time squeezing so tight she hears the last of the air forced from Sara’s lungs. Sara is warm and vibrant and _breathing_. 

There’s a bum-rush from the crowd behind them, and Ava becomes the center of a Legends sandwich. 

The bewildered expression Sara wears reminds Ava of the very long discussion they’re about to have on multiple timelines and dates with death narrowly avoided for the umpteenth time. It’s hard for her to care though, not when Ava is holding the woman she loves in her arms.

They find her in the bridge of the Waverider. The sky is dark, everyone is weepy, and Sara is alive.


End file.
